I have been in this position before except I could contain myself then.
My mind is racing faster than the speed of sound. I have been saying my thoughts out loud and it is just now that I am realizing this. The eighty some odd students and professor that I am presenting my media analysis paper to appear saddened and confused by my demeanor as am I. I cannot think straight but my mouth wants to move during this awkward tension. My arguments and points that I wrote earlier seem to be forgotten. I am getting frustrated with myself as my ears start to hear what I interpret as snickers and chuckles around the lecture hall. I act on this insecurity and give every person spectating a cold glare as my awkward presentation turns into a philosophical monologue challenging religion.
I have been in this position before except I could contain myself then.
All of the aggression within the presences around has consumed me. His body language and dialogue is completely different from other times that we have visited. I note this but that revelation soon diminishes when I perceive him invading my personal space both, physically and mentally. I instantly react without thinking and give this fellow a mean gaze. I tell him in not very nice words to get out of my face as his nose is pressed right up against mine similarly to an axe resting in its splitting log. I pull my head back and notice his mouth start to move. I interpret it as laughing within the first upward and downward movement of his jaw. Similarly to the mechanical movements of a swinging axe, I pull my head back and snap my neck down forward.
I have been in this position except I could contain myself then.
I grab a hold of the two with each hand on the others’ shoulders. The clinch is enough to defuse the tension between the two while it has brought the attention on me. We are all friends but right now we have seemed to forget. The oldest of us three shakes it off while the youngest of us three has decided to hold his fists up. She, my significant other, jumps in and grabs me as my mother is yelling for us to stop in the background. I grab my love and tell her: “You need to get back. You might get hurt, either by him or me pushing you away.” She listens and he charges me with his fists in the air. I thought my hands were at their sides but one formed a fist and within a hook motion collided with his right temple.
The students and the professor’s eyes froze as their bodies seemed forced motionless while the two gentlemen’s eyes rolled back when they lost consciousness as gravity pulled their bodies to the ground. My mind is so confused within the moments that follow after. Sorrow then rage, rage then sorrow and eventually the rage is over while all I feel is sadness, alone and fear. “The protagonist never feels this way,” I use to say. The protagonist within a dualistic setting is no different from the antagonist while the words used to describe them are considered antonyms. The idea of “victory” within a physically combative setting is staling similarly to cat piss on a hot sunny day. Nobody wins but everybody is hurt. The dualistic reactions plague the body and mind while an inner seed of suffering grows like lotus.
I have been in this position before but now know that the feelings and emotions I am experiencing root from the beautiful, universal needs of, acceptance, self-respect, to see and be seen, integrity, harmony, order, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, mourning and freedom.
